Just fell off a train. Bad.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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