The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
