She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Randomize
