If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize