they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
