I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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