I accidentally had phone sex last night
it wasn't lemon gatorade
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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