Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
