Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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