I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Randomize
