I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
