theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Randomize
