oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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