the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize