I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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