Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
