It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
