it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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