you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
