unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
