Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
