I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
