I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
