As long as you're not dating white guys again.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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