The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize