so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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