life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
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I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
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Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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