We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
