I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
