I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
the liver wants what the liver wants
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
