My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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