So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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