Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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