Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
