the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
