Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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