I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
porn star boner night. come get it.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
