you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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