Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
