how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
My pussy is not your playground.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
