Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
