She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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