He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
