Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
