The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
