Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
