Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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