Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
