had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
