Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
