I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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