i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
