u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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