The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
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Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
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Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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