this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
